Things I'm bad at

I'm bad at many things: keeping plants alive, doing sports, playing video games... But just because you're bad at something now doesn't mean you'll always be!


1. Dealing with expectations

If someone expects me to be good at something, I'm going to suck at it. If someone tells me I'll fail, I'll do everything in my power to prove them wrong.

I don't know what it is. But whether it be air hockey or writing or video editing, if you have any positive expectations of my abilities, I'll for sure disappoint you. Not because I want to, but because my subconscious just hates me.

2. Wearing lipstick


It looks too fancy and I don't feel like myself, so I always end up wiping it off. I used to feel the same way about foundation and doing my brows. I just looked too put together and it freaked me out, so as a teen I would always blot some water on my makeup to make it look like I hadn't just done my makeup.

I'm bad at doing what I want to do without caring about other people's opinions. But I'm also extremely tired of doing my makeup because of other people, and not me. I'd love to wear lipstick sometimes and not feel like everybody's staring at me thinking, "she really thinks she's something". Because that shouldn't matter! Why is it so hard?!

3. Dressing for the weather


I'm always hot, and even when I'm cold I feel hot. So one winter I nearly lost my toes because I just didn't realize how cold they were when I was out on the lake. My blood in my toes almost completely froze and my toes were slightly purple when I got home, and then it took them 40 minutes to melt down to a normal temperature. It's one of the worst pains I've ever suffered. Just imagine your hot blood trying to squeeze through frozen veins. I was screaming.

I lost feeling in two toes for about a year, and even now, two years later, one of them still feels tender when I go swimming or the temperatures drop. I've got a super sensitive middle toe, yay!

I should wear jackets, hats, scarfs and mittens when it's cold! I should learn to dress in a way that helps me stay healthy, I'm an adult now!

4. Walking in high heels


I don't think it's natural. It hurts like a lot. But women who are able to walk around in those torturous things look so freaking graceful and beautiful, and so I keep trying. But one hour in heels and I give up.

I would really like to wear my high heels more often though. Because they make me walk with better posture and feel more confident. Everybody deserves better posture and confidence.

5. Taking my pills


I've got a mood disorder called cyclothymia, which needs to be treated with pills. But sometimes I can go three days without them, because I forget to take them. So suddenly I'm acting all strange and feeling these unexplainably difficult emotions, and I don't know why. Well, not taking my pills, that's why!

I really need to get better at this. I want to be a stable-minded human being.

6. Replying to messages


I'm terrible. I see a message, I decide I'll reply later when I can use my full attention on that person. But then hours go by. Sometimes days. And I feel terrible.

I don't want to be a terrible human.

7. Working out


I really used to enjoy running. I was pretty good at it. I was in good shape. But then I just gradually started running less and less for a plethora of reasons. And now I barely do stuff with my body at all. I love team sports, and I still love running. It's just hard to find people to do sports with and it's hard to place running into my schedule for some reason. Too many excuses not to work out, basically.

But I should. Because I want to be healthier, and happier, and better-looking. I want to actually think about how I treat my body. These days I just couldn't care less about how I look, but I think I want to care a bit more.

8. Going to bed early


I'm a morning person. I love waking up early, starting my day productively and watching the sunrise.

But most days, my daily activities or tasks just don't go well with that, so I end up staying up really late and then I wake up late and grumpy.

When I wake up early, I always have a 80% chance of my day ending up awesome. But when I wake up late, it's pretty much a lost case already. I just feel so tense and irritated and grumpy all day. I really need to go to bed earlier and fix this!

9. Watching tv shows and movies


When I was younger, I loved binge-watching shows and pulling all-nighters watching six movies in a row.

But now I'm a film student, and I don't feel like doing that anymore.

I know I should watch a lot of shows and movies. I feel a lot of pressure and guilt about it!

But I don't watch anything, because I'm never in the mood, or if I am, the thing always ends up disappointing me because I overthink the characters and the plot and the subtext of the dialogue or the time stamps when plot points occur.

So usually I turn to youtube for entertainment, because it's less structured and actually manages to surprise and entertain me. Which can be a good thing, because there's a lot of educational content on there. But it's also a big time trap.

And it's not going to help me much when it comes to writing scripts for tv and film... Because in order to do that you need to actually watch tv and film, you know.

I just find every tv show with fascinating potential to be a disappointment, and movies are hard to find time or energy or concentration for. So if I watch anything, it's old Friends episodes that I've already seen 4-7 times, or The Office us, which I've watched even more times, or wacky cartoons.

I think I'd be a lot better at school if I made it a point to watch one new movie every week and start watching some tv shows, too.

10. Being on time


I'm late, pretty much always. It's not much, usually a minute or two. But I just can't be on time. Especially not with my sleeping schedule being all messed up these days. I feel like it'd be easier if I woke up early.

But then again, if I start working on projects in the morning, I'll just be late because I lose track of time and can't stop working. So that doesn't really solve the problem either.

And if I make it a point to be 10 minutes early somewhere, I just end up walking around the block because I'm bored, and guess what that leads to? Correct, I'm late again.

There's just no cure for my tardiness. I'll suffer the embarrassment and guilt for the rest of my life. It's chronic.

I just wish I could be on time!

13. Being passionate


I used to be SO passionate about so many things! Books, movies, shows, comics, art, mermaids, animals, trees, nature, following all sorts of fandoms and being super excited about such small "insignificant" things all the freaking time.

Life was so full of joy back then, because I could make myself happy and excited so easily by just fangirling for a moment, or working on a research project on this new animal species I was fascinated by, or writing a new story that I'd just come up with, or reading fan fiction, or reading books, or watching movies. I was so passionate about so many things!

But as I've grown older, I've become really mellow and apathetic and uncaring about such things. I just don't ever get excited about books or movies or stuff like that. My fangirl days are over, and that realization really stings.

I don't know what caused this horrible adultness in me, but I want to become excited like a kid again. I still have so many things that I love and feel strongly about, but I very rarely let myself be truly passionate. Because that would be weird. Or people would judge me. Or I would look stupid.

I've just been taught by my teachers and parents and other kids my age to not be so freaking weird and passionate, because it's weird!

I used to post so many stick insect updates on facebook and pictures of details on my self-made mermaid tails on instagram, but then I went and grew up, got embarrassed and deleted them. And that's such a shame!

Being weird made me so happy! I want to be weird again! I want to fangirl about stuff on social media again and be judged by other 20-somethings who just don't get it because they're boring.

Passion is happiness.

I want to sit and research animal facts and watch nature documentaries for hours. I want to write stories that make my heart pound with excitement, and let myself be surprised by my own creations.

When I was younger, everything around me was full of opportunities and I was so curious and passionate about everything. I want to be that kid again.

12. Living in the moment


I'm always longing for something else. Some other place or some other time, some other people, some other project, some other food, some other music, some other anything.

I just find it hard to be content with what I have right now.

I'm very aware of it though, which makes it a bit better, because I'm not just constantly unhappy because of my inability to live in the moment. I know that I'm a daydreamer. I'm painfully aware of my desire to plan for the future instead of living in the now.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even try to live in the now if the prospect of an amazing future makes me so happy to think about? I love daydreaming about my future kids, pets, home, career... all that stuff.

So if I love it, and it makes me happy, should I not continue daydreaming?

Well yeeah... But I don't want to ruin the present for myself by focusing too much on the future. Because eventually that future will roll around, and I'll just still be feeling incomplete in some way. Moving towards a beautiful future that never turns out that beautiful because I keep waiting for it to become beautiful sometime in the future, when the beautiful moments are happening.

I don't want to miss out on life!

I'll have to work on my current circumstances, not my future circumstances. I want to live in the moment and have awesome memories to look back on. No regrets!


So, here we have it. A bunch of things I wish I could change about myself. Luckily, they're all things that I have control over, more or less. It's just all about putting in the time and effort and making those changes.

What are some things you're bad at that you know you should work on?

Have a happy weekend,
Em

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