Settling in & struggling

As you may know, I've now lived in a completely new place for two weeks. And it's been wonderful.

There's so much to write about that it overwhelms me and I can't choose what's the most important. I've had my first tears of homesickness. Or not homesickness per se... I've missed my family and cried a bit when I talked to my mom and played hide and seek with my youngest lil sis over video call. And then my baby guinea pig passed away unexpectedly last week, causing a full-on crying marathon. It's been rough.

But also wonderful!

Lincoln has an overflow of pretty details and magical little crooks and corners and stories everywhere, waiting to be told.

I have tried to not spend too much time writing in my bedroom, despite feeling super creative, because I want to focus on the people around me and make some new friends (who I can then later ignore completely when I lock myself in my room and write an entire novel in November for National Novel Writing Month loool).

I want to write more though... Scribble and daydream and type little scenes here and there and tie them together like a wordsmith with a magical thread. I know smiths don't work with thread but nobody says "word tailor", so you have to just get my point anyway.

It's honestly been super hard to not be writing when everything around me is so super duper beautiful looking and magical.

But as life settles into its normal routine, I find myself struggling with the same things I struggle with wherever I go. Friends.

What I like to call The Great and Equally Confusing Human Interaction Dilemma.

"I crave human interaction a lot more than I wish I did" is something I say a lot as a shy extrovert who wishes she could be more introverted, because then it would be less painful when I'm incapable of just going to meet new people and making new friends.

I sit and think, "I wish I could be more fun to be around. Either I talk too little or I talk too much, either I'm too weird or not weird enough, either I don't make enough jokes or I joke too much to the point where people get uncomfortable and hate me. How can I never be just enough? Not too much or too little, just enough?"

Dear internet friends, I feel like I'm not alone in feeling socially estranged a lot of the time. And I know that it doesn't help to overthink things. I know that making friends takes time and that it will happen eventually.

I know.

But I still can't help feeling a bit awkward and strange, and fearing that once I do make those friendships happen, it's already time for me to leave.

Wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

I've also been thinking about how this whole "let's travel the world!" thing might be a protective mechanism that makes me only become friends with people I know I will only spend time with for a short amount of time... That would explain all those friends in different countries who I only meet once a year or so... I'm just afraid of being too much or too little, and people hating me. And if I never meet people, they can't hate me, and I win!

But thing is... I don't win at all.

Wow. Writing this really makes me see these weird mind patterns super clearly. They're really just thoughts inside my head! I tell myself all sorts of weird lies.

Luckily, I know that this feeling too will pass, like it always has before. I'm doing fiiiine.

Good things take time. And life's ultimately pretty amazing, despite everything 🌞🐥

But on a more cheerful note, I'm finally all settled in! My suitcases are empty and hidden away, all my clothes are hung up in my closet, my books have found a new home on my bookshelf, and this girl even made her bed--whaaat!!? 😝✌️

Chilling feels a lot more chill when I don't have a bunch of stuff scattered around messily. Makes my mind work a lot more efficiently.

Now I can sit down at my desk and work on school stuff, edit pictures, write blog posts and watch movies like a normal person.

I've been doing all of that in my bed for the past two weeks, and my sleep schedule has suffered.

And it only took me two weeks of procrastinating to finally be able to use the desk. Oh little me, a hopeless messy soul.

Oh, how much writing I'll be able to do! That reminds me: I had my first screenwriting lecture at Lincoln, woohoo!

It was great. We did some creative writing exercises & spent some time chatting about creativity. 
And turns out, a thing the lecturer said really stirred something in me.

At my uni in Finland we generally only do dramas because that's just what is accepted by the teachers. Or maybe that's just how I interpret their feedback. (maybe it's just me?)

But this new lecturer talked about these crazy wild ideas and told us we could do anything! Even fantasy!


I just couldn't believe how excited I got out of a sudden, because I hadn't even realized how stifled my creativity has gotten in these 2 years at film school. (again, maybe it's not film school. Maybe it's my fault. Who knows?)

When I was younger I always used to write those weird, sudden story ideas down and thought they were awesome. But these days, I just immediately go "eh, that would never work" and forget about them.

Just because I think that it wouldn't be interesting or fun to anyone other than me.

Because I've gotten so scared of being judged and not fitting the mold of the film & tv industry. Because at the core, I'm afraid of not being liked and not fitting in.

So that was a fun realization to have in the middle of a lecture. Sweet.

I think I have a lot of growing up to do when it comes to not giving a *bleep* about what other people think.

I can't expect others to hand me creative freedom on a silver platter. If I want to create something, then I go and create it, duh.

And I want it on a GOLD PLATTER!! Because gold looks better on me! *hair flip*

I feel a bit stupid but that's also just part of the process. I'm here to learn 🌞🤟

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and have a cup of hot chocolate and then sit and write before heading to school.

It's going to be AWESOME. 📝🌼 Hope you have a beautiful day of inspiration and may you dream wonderfully strange dreams when you go to sleep.

BYE! xxx

PS. I love you and miss you little Pixie. See you on the other side where grass is evergreen and there are more cherry tomatoes than you could ever eat. One day I'll be able to think about you and not bawl my eyes out (but today is not that day). I've been finding comfort in hugging horses, but it isn't the same. I wish I could've been there to hold you one last time. Kisses and chin rubs from mommy.

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