When you break

I woke up last night, heart thrumming hard and my breathing shallow, suddenly feeling anxious and worried for no particular reason. And it wasn't the first time since Uni started. Don't get me wrong, I love school. I love the assignments and learning new things and getting to know people. And most of the assignments aren't even hard or stressful. Just extremely time consuming.

All of it.

And maybe it's my fault that I'm feeling so burnt out after only two weeks. I thought that I'd be able to juggle school, work, art, family, church, social life, a novel, a screenplay, a blog, a youtube channel, an instagram account, facebook page, twitter, a second blog, a podcast.... The list goes on. And I am supposed to do all this simultaneously? And actually stay sane?

Now I've realized that I was a bit crazy to think that. But still, I'm so disappointed at myself for not being able to do all the things I want to. There just isn't enough time. Or energy. I get home from school and work and can't sit down anywhere comfortable for even one second for the fear of falling asleep and not being able to do everything else I should do.

I'm so exhausted. Even at night, my brain screams at my body to wake up and do things, because there isn't enough time in the day. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't sit still, I can't do anything without thinking "What if I should be doing something else? What if I'm not being productive enough? What if this is a waste of time?"

This morning I just broke. I tried to eat breakfast while listening to a lecture on screenwriting, but I couldn't find a cheese slicer anywhere and so I decided that I couldn't waste my time on breakfast and had to write on my novel instead.

And then the tears came. It all just fell on me--the awareness of every dream and ambition I have that I can't follow because I'm so stuck trying to do everything but feeling like I get nothing done.

All of it.

I broke and cried and wanted to spend all day screaming into my pillow and ask God why life is so short. Why do we all have to be so busy? Is this even living if it just feels like dying inside?

I'm so tired and I just want to do things that make me happy. Follow my heart instead of a to-do list of a million things.

Where is the joy?

For the past week I've lost it, and it'll be a struggle to find it again. But I've been depressed and hopeless and lived in darkness. I'm not going back.

When you break, stop yourself. When you feel like you're all alone and there's no time and you're exhausted and have lost joy, get back up.

I had to tell myself that there's no time to cry. It's not the healthiest thing to say when you're already burned out, but it made me quickly dry my cheeks and get out of bed.

Why should you be tired and sad and breaking when you could be happy and joyful and THRIVING?

No, there is not enough time to do everything. But there's enough to do something. And to be happy and change the world, we have to start somewhere. Not by killing ourselves with stress and to-do lists we'll never be able to finish. But by giving ourselves a pat on the back for getting this far. By easing the burden just a little, because life will be hard anyway, so why make it even harder for yourself?

By loving and appreciating yourself a little more. Smiling a little more. Doing a little more of what you love. You deserve every bit of happiness the world has to give.

Be sad. Be happy. It's your decision.

With every bit of love I can virtually send you, Em :)

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