The cycle of self doubt

 This morning I was looking through the first chapter of the first draft of my current manuscript.  Accidentally, I read some of my old writing and then proceeded to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and wonder if I'll ever be good enough. It was a page I used to be so proud of. I thought it was the best writing I'd ever done. But it sucks.

I don't even know what makes it so bad, but it's the worst piece of writing I've ever read. And the first thought that should have come to my mind is: "Wow, I've progressed so much!"

Instead I thought: "If I sucked that much a year ago and thought I was great, then I can't show my writing to anyone because in a year it'll be the worst." And that puts me in an endless cycle of self doubt and fear.

It's a stupid way of thinking. But it's how I felt: stupid.

Stupid for thinking I could ever do this and ever be good at it. But you know what? If I can grow this much as a writer in just a year, I'm pretty accomplished. One year isn't that long, and I've written and worked harder on my novel than ever for the last twelve months. So it doesn't matter if my writing will look stupid in a year, because at least I'm not standing still.

I'm practicing, changing, learning and growing. Falling down and rising back up again. That's the cycle I want to be stuck in.

A cycle of growth, not doubt.

Freedom comes from not caring about who you've been, but who you'll be. Remember: Grow, don't doubt.

Love, Em.

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